I Miss You, Like Everyday.

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Alex,

It has been eight weeks today since you left us.

I’ve gone over in my head hundreds, thousands or maybe even millions of times what I would say to you if I just had the chance. I would tell you how hurt I am, how I feel so betrayed. I would tell you of the anger that burns inside of me when I can’t go talk to my friend. I would tell you of the heart wrenching sadness I feel every time I look out my window and see our table. I would tell you how stupid you were in making a permanent decision to end the pain of a temporary problem. I would show you the pictures of the hundreds of people that came to be with you and your family in this time. I would tell you again, and again how I said to you that things were going to be okay. I would tell you about the times I’ve felt lost and alone.

In your passing, you wanted the pain of being alone to subside.

In your passing, you hoped to heal the wounds that were created over time to your soul.

In your passing, you wanted to destroy the demons within yourself.

In your passing, you gave to me the sadness and pain of feeling lost and alone.

But in your passing, I forgave you.

They say all things in this world get better if you give them time. I don’t buy that for a second. I have never missed you as much as I miss you today, and I have never needed you as much as I do right now. This week has been one of those times that I would come to you in Chemistry or at lunch and ask you to talk it out with me, because I’m having such a rough time. This is one of those days that, every time I look out my window, all I see is us sitting at that table a week before you died and thinking I could have stopped this all.

Wounds may heal with time. My soul and my heart may heal. But nothing gets better, and that’s the truth. I won’t wake up one day, and suddenly realize that your passing is easier to deal with. It will never be easy. I will wake up many times with new ways to cope with this loss, but it will never get easier.

I wish only one thing for you, in your passing. I wish that you are safe, and at peace with yourself; that you may have found your safe haven, where you are loved unconditionally by all, and you can watch over those you left behind and send them your love, with no fear of those demons that you battled here on earth.

Because even in our darkest hours, we are not alone. You were not alone, and I wish you would have seen that. I love you, Alex.

“I thought I thing like this gets better in time, but I still need you. Why is that?”

Live Forever

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I thought of you today, but that’s nothing new. I thought of you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories, and your picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I’ll never part. God has you in His arms, and I have you in my heart.

I Skyped With Jenna Yesterday by Rosalyn Jones (a tribute to Alex Baker)

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I wish you could see how many people you have touched Alex. This poem is by Rosalyn Jones, and it’s truly moving. We all miss you, and we all love you.

I Have Known Sadness.

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In the 18 (almost 19) years of my life, I have experienced a lot of hurt. My biological dad beat my mom when I was a baby and she packed our things and left him. My great-grandpa, and one of the greatest men I’ve met, died when I was 2. When I was 3, she married the man I call my father, the man who has raised me, the only real dad I’ve ever known. When I was 5, he adopted me. At 12, my biological dad died in a drunk driving accident. I never knew him for who he really was, just the man that smiled at me when I rode my Barbie Dream Jeep around his yard.

In a span of 5 years, my grandpa on my dad’s side died, then his mother. Both of lung cancer, only one of them smoked. My mom’s cousin died when I was in 9th grade, I remember it vividly because my mom was so torn up. We went some time without any death in the family. And we were okay.

This year, I started my freshman year of college. I moved into the dorms with my best friend of 11 years (we each have our own room) and I was dating this really genuine guy. Four days after we moved in, my best friend and I got into a huge fight, and the next day, her mom came to the dorm. Long story short, her mom hit me, and we no longer speak. I can say that I honestly wasn’t too upset, because I was mostly disappointed that she wasn’t the girl I thought she was.

Two weeks later, my boyfriend and I broke up. I miss him, but it was mutual, and he is doing well. We talk frequently, and he’s still there for me through everything. This past Monday, my friend from high school, Alex, hung himself in his dorm. He was on life support until Thursday, when he was declared brain dead. He passed away Thursday evening.

I have never felt so much pain in my heart. Alex was one of my best friends in ninth and tenth grade, but we started to drift apart as we started dating people junior and senior year. I could have gone to see him, in the hospital, but I didn’t want to remember him like that.

I wish words could describe the way I feel. They don’t. I can say I’m sad, because I am tremendously sad. I can say I’m broken, because my heart is in a million pieces. I can say I’m mad, or angry, because I am. None of these things measure up though. Nothing can describe the way I feel. One minute I’m okay, because I know you’re on to better things, but the next minute I’m having a panic attack because I remember talking to you exactly 4 days before you took your own life, and joking about high school with you.

Alex,

I miss you. I really miss you. I’m so angry that you did this. It’s so selfish. But I forgive you, because I can’t be angry with you for feeling so lost and alone that you thought this was your only option. I’m also mad, because I’ll never understand, and so much is left unanswered. Mostly, though, I’m filled with this sinking, pressing feeling. I don’t know what it is, I just know that I love you, and miss you more than I can explain. Your birthday would be next week, Alex. You were so close. I keep thinking about the face you always made at me, the one where you’d crinkle your nose and laugh. I miss you, Alex. And I’m so sorry I didn’t see that you felt this way. Never, ever forget how much I love you. Gone but never forgotten. I’m going to remember you for that funny laugh and our inside jokes.

I’m not saying that I have had a hard life, because I haven’t. I am truly blessed, and lucky, to have the life I have. I have been through a lot, probably more in my first month of college than most people, but I am stronger because of it. I know that I can get through anything, and God would never give me anything I can’t handle. I have experienced happiness, I have felt sadness, lived through heartache, and seen the next day. I want you all to know that I thank my lucky stars every day for letting me live to see each sunrise. I am truly blessed to be here. I will never take anything for granted.

Rest in peace, Alex Baker. You are so loved.

You Have So Much To Live For

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I’ve spent my afternoon crying quietly in my room, on the phone with my close friends and my family, and trying to keep my head up. One of our high school friends tried to hang himself, and he isn’t doing well. 

I only want to say this:

You have so much to live for. You are here for a reason. Never give up on yourself, or try to end your life, because no matter what, it will get better. Suicide is never the answer. When lost, put it in God’s hands. If you need to talk to someone, talk. You are never, ever alone.

Please keep Alex in your prayers.

 

Quick Thought

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Before I head out for the day, I have a quick thought to share.

We all face struggles daily. We all have to deal with those people that seem as if they are trying their hardest to ruin your day. Not a single person in this world can say that they have never experienced this. Everyone knows exactly what I am saying. As you read that, you probably thought of the one person that does this to you.

You know what? Move on. It isn’t the end of the world. We all struggle. We all have our ups and downs. And you want to know something else? There are hundreds of thousands of people that are happier than you with less than what you have. Be thankful. You’re alive, aren’t you?

When you leave for the day, think to yourself that you have so much to be thankful for. You have so much to live for. You are worth more than you know. Stay strong, stay beautiful, and stay positive.