It has been eight weeks today since you left us.
I’ve gone over in my head hundreds, thousands or maybe even millions of times what I would say to you if I just had the chance. I would tell you how hurt I am, how I feel so betrayed. I would tell you of the anger that burns inside of me when I can’t go talk to my friend. I would tell you of the heart wrenching sadness I feel every time I look out my window and see our table. I would tell you how stupid you were in making a permanent decision to end the pain of a temporary problem. I would show you the pictures of the hundreds of people that came to be with you and your family in this time. I would tell you again, and again how I said to you that things were going to be okay. I would tell you about the times I’ve felt lost and alone.
In your passing, you wanted the pain of being alone to subside.
In your passing, you hoped to heal the wounds that were created over time to your soul.
In your passing, you wanted to destroy the demons within yourself.
In your passing, you gave to me the sadness and pain of feeling lost and alone.
But in your passing, I forgave you.
They say all things in this world get better if you give them time. I don’t buy that for a second. I have never missed you as much as I miss you today, and I have never needed you as much as I do right now. This week has been one of those times that I would come to you in Chemistry or at lunch and ask you to talk it out with me, because I’m having such a rough time. This is one of those days that, every time I look out my window, all I see is us sitting at that table a week before you died and thinking I could have stopped this all.
Wounds may heal with time. My soul and my heart may heal. But nothing gets better, and that’s the truth. I won’t wake up one day, and suddenly realize that your passing is easier to deal with. It will never be easy. I will wake up many times with new ways to cope with this loss, but it will never get easier.
I wish only one thing for you, in your passing. I wish that you are safe, and at peace with yourself; that you may have found your safe haven, where you are loved unconditionally by all, and you can watch over those you left behind and send them your love, with no fear of those demons that you battled here on earth.
Because even in our darkest hours, we are not alone. You were not alone, and I wish you would have seen that. I love you, Alex.
“I thought I thing like this gets better in time, but I still need you. Why is that?”